What’s the difference between flirtatious touch between an Asian girl in Asia vs a girl in America? A guest post by dating columnist Asian Rake, a dating consultant from Singapore.

As an Asian dating coach I’ve been asked repeatedly from many different people whether and how flirting with “Asian women” is different from flirting with “Western women” and I’ve resisted answering this question because I detest stereotyping. And any generalizations about two billion women will no doubt lead to useless and harmful caricatures.

But I know the questions will just keep coming. So here goes. I will try to be as careful as possible.

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At the risk of greatly oversimplifying, let us say that, for various reasons and in diverse ways, there is a common conservatism in Asian societies and that this Asian social conservatism is in stark contrast to the liberal, hook-up cultures of the “the West,” by which I mean the Americas, Australia, the UK, and Europe.

My topic for this column concerns the role of physical touch when dealing with Asian women.

Physical touch is important to flirting because, generally speaking, you want to have a girl accepting your physical presence and contact as early as possible. A lot of this depends on your own comfort level with touching other people, especially women to whom you are sexually attracted. But sometimes, cultural factors come into play.

The polite zone and the social norms regarding physical touch between strangers can vary greatly among different societies. What is effective in Latin America may get you rejected immediately in some parts of East Asia.

So let’s look more closely at the situation in Asia.

In interacting with Asian women in Asia, you should be aware that the social norms differ greatly from those in the West.

The reality is that most women are somewhere along a continuum between extreme social conservatism, which is more prevalent in “Asia,” and extreme sexual liberalism, which is more common in “the West.”

The more socially conservative a girl is, the less comfortable she will be with public displays of physical affection or sexuality.

Given that “Asian” societies are generally more socially conservative than “Western” ones, we can conclude that the more “Asian” a girl is, the more uncomfortable she will be with your physical advances in public.

The converse is also true.

The more “Western” an Asian girl is, the more accustomed she will be to your physical advances in public. For example, a thoroughly Americanized girl, whether she is of Asian descent or not, will expect and be more comfortable with public touching. Touch early and often.

Side Note: As a rule of thumb and a quick reference, you can often gauge how “Asian” a second-generation immigrant is by how fluent she is in her heritage language. This isn’t always the case, and there are other ways of measuring, but this is a good guide.

Notice that all of this caution about physical touching applies only to interactions in public. It’s really about respecting and observing social norms and realizing that the girl will feel constrained by whatever social pressures exist in her culture.

Why trigger unnecessary social resistance? Make it easier on yourself and her by allowing her to appear as a lady in public. Of course, as woman everywhere in the world, she desires to be a vixen in the bedroom.

The issue is her image in public. A lot of this is tied to the concepts of “face” and “shame.” Save yourself the trouble and lay off aggressive physical advances.

Whereas in the West, upon meeting a new girl, you can often place your hand on the small of her back and leave it there (recall the humorous scene in “Hitch” about how high to place your hand), in Asia, you are better off with lighter and briefer amounts of physical touching in public.

Of course, if you are obviously a foreigner, she may make allowances. This is often why foreigners do so well in Asia with the “local” girls who have little experience with “Western” men. The “local” girls-next-door don’t know how to handle the situation. They may feel uncomfortable but they figure the Westerner doesn’t know the local customs, and they don’t want to be rude. Of course, this won’t work with the more elite girls or those girls who are very confident and self-assured (Note: For more on this topic, see my article on “Whether it is Easier for Foreign Men in Asia” under the Best of the Blog section on my website: www.asianrake.com).

So how much should you touch a socially conservative Asian girl when you first meet her in public?

In nightclubs, bars, or lounges, you can often touch more upon meeting. It’s good to give her a light touch as a reward whenever she says something funny or tries to impress you.

Start slow and light. You can use light taps on the outside elbow. If you are sitting, you can use light taps on the outside of her thigh.

Of course, any kind of playful touching is fine. High-fives, playful punching or slapping on the shoulder, or pretty much anything you would do with your younger sister is generally acceptable.

Also, any kind of incidental touching is good. This is physical contact that you are forced to have because of your environment or activity. For example, if you are sitting on a crowded couch or standing in a crowded bar or subway car. Look out for opportunities to maximize incidental physical contact.

Just lay off any overtly sexual touching until you are in private.

If you are going to go for a kiss, make sure she at least feels isolated from the public.

Better yet, exercise restraint, and wait until you are in a private location before taking things further.

It should go without saying that there are extremes of behavior in socially conservative societies. You will find the Asian club girl in very socially conservative societies who is looking and willing to do crazy things that night with you right there in front of everyone. This is the nature of the social barriers that are built into these conservative societies. You may be the lucky recipient of a girl’s subversive personality expressing itself that night. Or, for those more advanced social artists, you can consciously make this social barrier work for you. But that’s for a future post.

During the day, when interacting with a socially conservative Asian girl, especially if you are in a socially conservative Asian setting, keep your hands to yourself.

You can and should stand inside the polite zone, which in East Asia is usually an arm’s length away from the body, but there is no need to touch her beyond incidental physical contact.

And you will find that you can build sexual tension more effectively using words, tonality, and eye contact. Build the sexual anticipation until you can finally express yourselves physically in private. This is much more powerful.

I’ve seen so many Western men get rejected right away because they are too aggressive physically and prematurely advance.

The brazenly physical touch you may “get away with” in public will ensure that you will get nothing in private.

Play smart. Hold back. Build anticipation with your words, tonality, and eye contact.

This is a guest post by Dr. Asian Rake, who is a dating consultant and an ex-professor at a top research university. Currently based in Singapore, he guides select clients to improve their lifestyles.

Written by Editorial Staff