Thanh Bonsai is a dating coach with Love Systems. He coaches men to succeed with women and helps them find their dream woman. For more info on him, visit his blog Asian Dating Coach.

There are a lot of stereotypes of Asian men. Some are good, some are bad. Some are true, some are false. Whatever the case might be, the bad ones can really hurt your self-esteem and confidence if you believe them. Especially if you’re an Asian male and you take the negative stereotypes to the heart.

As a dating coach, it’s my duty to help men to succeed with women. One of the patterns I’ve noticed with Asian men is that a lot of inner beliefs are withholding them back from dating the women they have always wanted, especially outside their own race and women who are often considered “out of their league.” Let me dispel some negative stereotypes that are withholding most Asian men from dating beautiful women.

Asian men are…

1. either a nerd, kungfu master, or video gamer.

FALSE. This is also an easy stereotype to overcome by not dressing the part. Just imagine this: if you see an Asian guy, how would you know he’s a nerd? Or a kungfu master? Or a video gamer?

Now, if you just don’t dress like what you just associated with those stereotypes, you’re automatically not stereotyped like one of them.

We all know stereotyping is bad, but as humans we do it naturally. First impressions count, especially when you’re going to meet girls.

Now I do have to admit that I’m kind of a nerd. I like reading books on how the brain works and if you give me an iPhone I can jailbreak it for you plus install the nerdy applications you will need. I also love my PS3 and I kick ass at FIFA and Assassins Creed.

However, I certainly don’t dress the part of a geek. Most girls are really surprised when they really get to know me that I’m a huge nerd. I usually joke around on the first meeting with a girl that I’m a nerd. There are ways to show off your nerdy side that is still attractive, like through humor. If you’re really intelligent, there is no need to show it off on the first meeting. She can discover it herself through the lines. Women are very good at reading through the lines and observing men. Don’t underestimate this.

So even if you are still one of those stereotypes, don’t play it up. Start dressing differently. There is a time and place to show her you’re a core nerd or video gamer, but just not on first impressions.

2. introverted and shy.

FALSE. It’s true that women like confident men and the opposite of that is shyness and not being assertive. It’s unfortunate that those traits are stereotyped to Asian males, mainly because we have the nerd image and we tend to stay within our own groups.

I definitely played up this stereotype a couple years ago. Even today, I’m a man of a few words but when I’m meeting women I’m one of the most talkative guys you know.

Now I’m not saying that you should become extroverted and really aggressive, not at all. However, in the dating world luck favors the bold. You’re better off being a bit more social and assertive than quiet and shy.

Let’s say you are introverted and shy, what you want to do is surround yourself with people who are very social and start going out with them. Just being around them you will become more outspoken and through osmosis you will become more assertive.

Taking up different classes and hobbies where you have to be more outspoken is another good step to take. Consider taking speech classes in college or if you’re out of college attend Toastmasters events.

Break out of your shell and surround yourself with social people. It will be inevitable you will become that social person that people want to surround themselves with.

3. upset that all caucasian men are stealing their asian women away from them.

TRUE. Actually, just kidding. This kind of thinking really comes down to thinking in scarcity.

There’s no need to hold a grudge to Asian women who do date Caucasian men. You don’t control their lives. It’s their decision.

Let me get geeky for a bit on the brain. It’s funny how the brain works. If you hold a certain belief or have a repeated thought, what your brain will do is scan for and look for evidence to back up the belief, so it gives you emotional stability.

Now think back to a time where you were ready to buy a car. You knew the model you wanted. Did you notice that as you were traveling around, the car model you wanted was more on the road?

That same effect applies to the belief of thinking that Caucasian men are stealing our women away. If you really believe this, all you will do is register and count the times you do see this mixed couple. The times you do see an Asian male with an Asian female, you won’t even register it.

There are too many women out there to be worrying about this issue. Start thinking in abundance. This is a pattern all successful people do, regardless of field they are in. A rich man believes there is enough money to go around. A player believes there too many beautiful women to be worrying about one. A successful stock trader knows there many opportunities to go around. And so on.

So starting today, don’t worry about this issue of Caucasian men stealing our women away. Start working on your own dating life instead of focusing what others around you are doing. This is your life and you’re ultimately responsible for your happiness in your dating life.

4. not considered sexy.

TRUE. Unfortunately, most depictions of Asian males in the popular media is not really considered sexy. We are never the hero, we never get the girl in the movies, and Asian male celebrities aren’t really known as womanizers. Good thing is that you can easily workaround this stereotype.

This does not automatically mean that when a woman sees you for the first time, she will immediately think you’re not sexworthy. No. She will make her impression based on your looks, who and what you’re surrounded with.

In the looks department, it helps if you are in shape and dress well. So start hitting the gym or doing a sport you like. In a way, you can make yourself set apart very easily by dressing well. Pay attention to the guys that are dating the women you want. Watch how they dress, copy it, and personalize it. Another easy fix is getting a good haircut. Scrap Super Cuts….go to a real salon. Trust me, it’s worth the investment.

The social context, as I hinted earlier, is also important and something I work with when I’m with clients. Let me ask you this: would you rather have a girl meet you at an awesome party where you are a guest, or where you are the host? When you are the host of course, because in that setting you have the most “social value.” So if your lifestyle is built around where you are “the man” it’s not going to be hard all for women to stereotype you as sexy.

5. small downstairs.

FALSE. Don’t ask me how I know! This is definitely not an issue even if you are “under average.” Good sex is more about foreplay and a mental game, anyway.

In fact, when you’re meeting a girl you can even joke about it and send her mixed signals (something women are very good at!). You can say something along the lines of “You know, since I’m Asian I have a small package. So recently I decided to get some plastic surgery done and I doubled my size! …….I’m 2 inches now.”

Say this when you are having a good interaction with a girl and she will first laugh about it and also get a bit intrigued. Does a guy who wants to impress a girl say something like this? No. Most guys will try to impress a girl, but with saying something like that you’re showing her you’re not really trying to kiss her ass. She will get a bit confused because she is used to guys showing a lot of interest.

Instead, she will get intrigued why you’re not doing it and the chase starts. Another thing she might think: does this mean he does have a big package? If she likes you already, this will change the temperature in the interaction in the right way.

A lot of negative stereotypes were mentioned in this article. It’s really not that hard to work around them and sometimes you can even use them to your advantage. I promise if you follow these tips that your dating life will change for the better. Good luck.

And remember, next time you’re going to swim in your backyard pool don’t forget to bring your arm floaties.

-Thanh Bonsai

Written by Editorial Staff