This is a guest post by an anonymous Asian American writer who works at an online dating app.
A lot of my friends complain that they can’t get online dates.
Guess what? That’s not your fault. That’s the fault of the medium itself.
Let me explain.
I worked for a major dating app. I can’t reveal the name of the app, but it has millions of users.
Do you actually think we want you to find a relationship? Hell no!
Every relationship we find churns our customer base by 2 people (and no, I didn’t work for Ashley Madison).
When online dating hit mainstream popularity, relationships actually became harder. Why is that?
Well our algorithms know exactly how to KEEP you on the app.
Girls have a natural inclination to be as selective as possible. When they hit the app, they’re inundated with guys matching with them. They usually have zero problems finding matches (unless they’re in the bottom 20% of attractiveness).
Guess who they always pick? The hottest dudes. It doesn’t matter if the girl is a 4, 6, or 8, she always matches and picks the 8s, 9s, and 10s.
Girls would absolutely have better results if they picked within their “league”. In fact, if they did, online dating might actually have to shut down. But guess what, no girl thinks they’re a 4.
And we WANT them to do this. Because it basically makes it so that they match with guys who are not in the same realm as them.
The data also shows that guys who are 8s,9s, and 10s WILL bang a girl who’s a 6. But he generally won’t commit to her. In fact, our dataset shows if he’s considered an 8 or above, he’ll never commit to anyone. Why would he when he’s literally getting women at the push of a button AND our algorithm keeps feeding him more and more matches.
Yes, I know it’s sick, but dating apps WANT fuckboys to keep screwing over women so we can keep both the fuckboy AND the girl on the dating app.
On the flip-side, the poor guys who are 7s and below are scratching and clawing their way through the girls who are in the bottom 20th percentile, literally, the 4s, 3s, and 2s.
Since those are the only matches they get, they tend to hook up, get their jollies in, and then move on from those girls as well. The girls are actually below their league (in their minds), which causes them ALSO not to commit.
This imbalance of partner picking is what keeps online dating apps thriving — it keeps them in business and keeps you from finding a mate. And it’s all due to human nature. The idea that some girl is just a swipe away provides guys and girls with a steady stream of dopamine so you can’t stop using the app.
But how would you actually find a mate then? For guys, it’s not easy. You have to essentially get lucky and find a girl who’s on your “tier.” But the difficult part is she’s still pre-occupied with dating the hotter dudes since she “matched” with them. You’re NEVER gonna get a girl who’s above your tier looks-wise, she’s simply getting way more attention than you.
For girls, the best way is to look for guys who aren’t the top of the barrel looks-wise. Also to have a better assessment of your own looks and try to find guys in your tier. Most likely then, you’ll have an easier time finding a guy who wants to commit.
But we know you’ll never do that =)
PS. Obviously there’s exceptions to the rule, some people do find love on online dating. But the data shows that it’s far and few between.
Guest post by an anonymous dating app employee.
Written by Editorial Staff
